i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Randomize
