it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
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