I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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