If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
