She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
