someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
