I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
