I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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