i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
