Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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