This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
