Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
