I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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