I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
