I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
