dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
In other news, I just burned my penis
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
