True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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