I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
