i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
