God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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