I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
