Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
