can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
