I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Randomize
