I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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