Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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