I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Randomize
