My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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