Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
