Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
