dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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