I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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