you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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