when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
