his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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