The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
