He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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