I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
