If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
