I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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