Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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