once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I am naked and annoyed.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
