yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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