I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
