well you can't waste a boner
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
