I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
