my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
