I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
