woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
