I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
