I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
