i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
